just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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