matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
