My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
