matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
