White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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