she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
