sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
