If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Randomize
