she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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