she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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