i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize