Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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