I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
