I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
it's great music for shaving your balls
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Randomize
