I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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