i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
