pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
