You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
