I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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