my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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