u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
