take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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