proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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