I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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