I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
