I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
