Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
