i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
