Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
