My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
