How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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