Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
