I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
i now understand why vodka
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
