Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
