After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We are all done wearing pants today
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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