she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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