You're completely useless in the revolution.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
