Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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