I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
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