I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
