I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
