Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
