Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
