I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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