I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
