After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
