Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
