I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
