I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
