dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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