I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
