It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
