dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
