i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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