what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It's rum buckets o'clock
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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