before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
