3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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