I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
