I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
