im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I need to calm my uterus...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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