So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize