Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize